I love my Mother. A lot actually. In fact, if I didn't then there wouldn't be any kind of a problem because we don't get angry at the people we don't care about. It's only the ones we wish we were getting along with that make us upset when we don't.

So I am hyper sensitive right now. I'll admit it. For the first time in my life I have an opinion that my parents disagree with and for the first time I am aware that they are disappointed in me. This makes me very insecure and I feel guilty all the time for disappointing them and making them sad. However, the idea of living the kind of life they want me to, well, that makes me suicidal. I don't want to go to church and find a nice young woman and become an English teacher and raise a family.

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 I'm sorry Mom, I don't. So stop making me feel like I am scum because I don't see it that way.
I want to be able to live however I want without having to injure the people I love, and right now it is them who are stopping me from being happy... or at least the potential of being happy. Because, if it wasn't for them, things could be very simple. It wouldn't matter where I lived, who I dated, what mistakes I made and what happiness I found. I think I am very angry at them for that.

And because I am already so angry, tired, and frustrated, I am very easy to set off. The smallest thing can really offend me because there is all of that build up behind it. So I fly off the handle really easily. It doesn't help of course that I have two incredibly sure of themselves conservative parents who never even try to see the world for what it actually might be but only for how it can support their already pre-conceived notions of hate and intolerance. And they are both so quick and ready to stuff it down my throat because, I HAVE to agree with them. They try and convince with the assurance that only a person who knows they are right could wield. And I really hate people that think they know they are right. They are impossible to talk to.

So why am I pissy? I think I feel like my parents have let me down. Like I have outgrown them and I feel like they mislead me. Like, I trusted them for years and they let me down. They taught me things that weren't true and told me they knew things that nobody really knows. And I don't want to be like them. I think that is the worst. I mean, I can think of ways that I do want to be like them. Things I do respect about them. But it is overshadowed right now by the things that scare me and disappoint me and hurt me.

So many of the attributes my parents have are things that I hate in people right now. And I just don't know how to deal with that. In the end I just want to be dead, but that can't be my answer anymore. I've spent the past three years just wishing I was dead, and for a large part of that time I might as well have been. I need to take some action. I need to find myself and what makes me happy. what gives me meaning. It would just be so much easier if my parents understood that. But they never will.