LUCKY BASTARD

Okay, so here is the deal. I'm not ugly!

I mean, I don't think I'm Brad Pitt or anything. I realize I'm not what you would call "hot", but I'm not ugly. I tell myself I am ugly a lot and I tell myself that I must be awkward and that I must be weird and that no one will ever want me because I am obviously defective and I always say the wrong things blah blah blah. But the truth is I don't believe it. If I really thought I was ugly and unloveable, I wouldn't have the nerve to act so surprised that no one was loving me.

If I am really honest with myself I basically like myself. I mean, (when I am healthy, REAL me) I have a great sense of humor and a versatile wit. I am friendly, warm, kind, courteous and any other number of synonyms. I am also a really talented actor and artist and a semi talented writer who is slowly getting better. (Hopefully) I am one of the most sensitive and thoughtful people I know, and I am always worried about making others comfortable and putting their feelings first. I am intelligent and well read. I love film and love working in film. I have any number of interests. I am the kind of guy I would like to be friends with.

I'll admit that I don't find myself attractive physically... I'm defiantly not a narcissist. I wouldn't look at me and go, "Oh he's hot," because I'm not. I could pull off handsome sometimes I think. And I exercise like a fiend now that I don't have much going on so I guess the "hot" factor is increasing a little. But even if I eventually get a hard, taught body I will still only be a moderately attractive guy with a hot body. Ha ha. I suppose I have some chance of pulling of "cute", but that's only if I find someone who has a thing for tall, skinny, nerdy guys.

What got me thinking tho was this: I recently developed a crush on someone and I thought about them a bunch, but did not really pursue them with any effort. I was finding this person very attractive physically and kept telling myself that I would never be able to date someone so hot. But, then I found out he has a boyfriend and I saw pictures of the boyfriend and he's not at all attractive! And it has totally thrown my perspective around.

Now obviously, the person I want to be with eventually will have to find me attractive. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, obviously, but I am not so unattractive that no one will ever desire me. It just hasn't happened yet. But I am sure it will, and when it does they are going to find out that I am a talented, fun, smart, sensitive guy who is adventurous, interesting, and incredibly loyal.. and apparently really fun in bed... or so I have been told on several occasions.

So some mystery man out there really is going to be a lucky bastard.

Well Damn

Darn it. I'm depressed again. I've actually gone a really long time now where I was doing pretty good. I suppose I have been comfortable and that usually makes me happy. But now I am moving home to Montana and all my old worries and concerns are stacking up again and I am seriously getting all suicidal and wishing I was dead again. I'm not going to kill myself, I always have to specify that, but I want to be dead. I just don't want to do this again. I hate it when I know this is coming.

I don't know how to live with some of the truths in my life. I don't know how to live with being alone, not being wanted. I don't know how to deal with not being desirable to the people I love. I don't know how to deal with not knowing what I want to do with myself, or not having the desire to do anything but die.

Meanwhile I am getting uglier and older every day, I waste money and time trying to get in shape when it doesn't really work and , even if I was fit, I would still be ugly, just fit and ugly.

I got a bad haircut today and now I don't even want to come out of my room. I was excited to hang out with some people before I left but now I just want to stay in my room. I'm so gross and horrible and now that I am aware it's just so embarrassing. I can't handle it knowing people think I'm gross.

The thing is that, people tell me I'm not ugly and they tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, but it makes no difference. I have never had someone I was attracted to be attracted to me. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never had a loving relationship. And the people that tell me I am not ugly, also don't want anything to do with me. So it's hard to believe.

The truth is I have had opportunities to date some cool guys. But I was either not attracted to them or sure that we weren't compatible. They would be better off with other people. I kind of blew it with one or two of them because I was too scared.

Now I am going back to Montana and there will be absolutely no chance that I will meet someone and that is incredibly depressing. But so is being here and there still being no possibility of meeting someone because I am either too ugly or too weird. But still I hope that some day someone will love me and think I'm worthwhile.

But that is the worst pain. I allow myself to think things. I think, "Maybe I'm not totally ugly." "Maybe it's possible that someone might think my personality is attractive." "Maybe so and so could like me."

But then it's never true. It always ends up being the complete opposite and it destroys me. Then I just want to die cause I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I'm never going to be accepted where I want to be, desired where I want to be, or loved where I want to be.

I know there are other people in the world with much worse problems. Sometimes I just need to vent. I have no one to talk to really. My friends have heard it all before and they are sick of it. I don't want to drive them further away. And I can't tell my parents I'm sad that I can't find a man because they don't want me too. Anyway, in the end it doesn't help. No one can convince me that things are different. Maybe someday if I manage to find someone, then I will feel different, but the more depressed I get the more crazy and weird I get and the less self esteem I have and the less likely it is anyone will want me. I really am stuck in a trap and no one can tell me what to do to break it. I really am destined to fail and fail worse and worse and I beg for help, but no one can help me. I pray to God for help, even though I don't believe in him. I've been asking him to kill me for years, but he obviously hasn't yet. Just like every other request he never answered.

If Only

So I have a bit of a problem. Women love me. Of course, If I wasn't gay this would be great and I'm sure I would have been married forever ago. Even right now, I am in a play and there are at least two girls that are seriously vying for my attention. One has told me she has a crush on me and the other has told me she would marry me. And it's always been like that. As far as the girls are concerned I am a serious catch. Too bad I am gay.

I don't want to tell them because I can just imagine it being a big disappointment for them and, I also like the fact that they like me, and it would hurt for their looks of love to change to looks of disgust. There is also a big part of me that just hates advancing a stereotype and I don't want to be just another gay theater boy. But I tell you, it's times like these that really make me think that it would have been nice to be straight. There is definitely something about meeting a nice girl, getting married, and having a family that is very tempting. And so many of the girls I know are really so cool. If I was straight I would so marry one of them. We would have a blast.

I guess it seems so nice because I have never had a problem with girls wanting me, but have yet to have a relationship with a guy. I don't show up on the radar of gay guys for some reason. And the ones that do try to contact me (rarely) are the kind of people that I often am not attracted to physically and personality wise. Now I'm not whining here, nor am I depressed or something. I am sure there is someone out there for me. I just need to find them. And in the mean time, worrying about it won't make them appear any faster.

Still, it gets discouraging as I continue to play ignorant to the ladies charms around me. I don't know what else to do but be nice and courteous, but never give them any signals back. Meanwhile I wonder how I could give signals to all the guys that I would like to get to know better... but I've never been good at signals, and guys aren't traditionally good at reading them. :)

I would just speak up, but that is scary.

I Like the REAL Me

I very rarely blog when I am sane, and so I thought I would just write a fast message so that anyone out there who maybe reads this will have a somewhat better idea of who I am.

I don't like the me that blogs on here. The me that blogs on here is often the depressed, frustrated, and selfish me. Not intentionally selfish or cruelly selfish, but selfish in the way that I am in so much pain that I can only usually think about myself. It's times like those that you forget that some people do have it worse and there are some things actually worth living for, and that your life really isn't that bad.

For the most part these days I am the person who remembers that. I am actually very sure and confident about what I believe at this stage of my life, and if I do not know something, I am confident in my agnosticism. I have good friends, fun hobbies, and talents to share with the world. I have a family that loves me and has become more accepting then I ever thought possible. (We have a ways to go but it's still better then it was) All in all, it could be a lot worse and there are times when I think that is a legitimate excuse to smile.

Being Gay Sucks Ass

I haven't got depressed in a while but tonight I feel like I want to scream. I'm so frustrated and coming home I could almost drive my car into a wall. I want to cut, but I don't really have anything to do it with and it's obviously not the best solution, so instead I am writing this. I am aware I am whining and if you don't like that then Don't read the fucking post! I'm doing this for my sanity.

I hate being gay. Well... that's a complicated concern actually. The truth is I enjoy being gay. I prefer it to being straight. I like the idea of it I guess. But the whole actuality of living it is impossible. It just doesn't work. I can't make anything work.

I have a life that I would like to be living in my head. I don't even think it's that delusional. It's pretty feasible really. I don't want to be a rock star or anything. I just want to be a happy gay man. Is that so improbable?

BUT NOTHING WORKS!!! I can't make friends because the people who I want to be friends with don't want anything to do with me. I try all the time. I am constantly actively pursuing friendships, but nobody wants me. I see other people that I love and respect having close intimate interactions with each other, and I don't do anything like that. Nobody wants to. Well, nobody that I want to does. I guess there are a few people that would but I don't want anything to do with them.

I just want to be desired, and I just want to know what I am doing wrong! I'm open to suggestion, I JUST WANT TO KNOW! Am I ugly? Am I boring to people? Are they intimidated by me because they think I am smart, or stupid, or righteous, or a pervert? Do people think I'm lame or do they not think about me at all. I'm so desperate to know. Were talking tears, clinch my fists and scream desperate.

When I first started coming out it was the best thing in the world because for the first time in my life I felt like I was really connecting with people, but now it's all gone and the gay community leaves me hating myself and feeling insecure and scared. I see happy, beautiful, social people every which way I look, and none of them see me. Admittedly I have never gotten along with my peers very well, but I guess I hoped that the gay community would be different. I just got so much hope up, and it sucks hard to be wrong. And it hurts like a barbed wire wand up my.... nose.

In the end it has to just be something wrong with me and that makes me the most depressed because that leaves me just feeling defective. The gay world would get along fine without me. I thought I was entering a brotherhood really I think, but it doesn't want me.

Comments are welcomed. I need help with my sanity.

Dealing With the Pain of Being Normal

A am almost thirty years old today. I'm actually turning twenty seven and the thought leaves a hole in my chest that feels like it should have been filled by now but actually gets a little bigger with every year. Its almost like I never expected to actually get old. And now that I am I feel like life is useless in so many ways. Every day that goes by, every month, year, seems to teach me the truth that, life is really nothing special. It is the same for everyone and it will always be the same for me.

I realize that there are good times. There were moments. There will be moments again. But for those of us with any kind of imagination, always at the fore-front of ones mind are all the good times that never were. That never will be. All the dreams that can't be achieved because well, peoples lives are normal and boring, and the opportunity has long since passed. In real life, things don't actually happen to people.

"TV taught me how to feel. Now real life has no appeal." - Marina and the Diamonds

In the book "The Four Loves" C. S. Lewis talks about how people might assume that, because he speaks so intelligently of religion, he must be a pretty righteous man. He says that this is a myth.

"Those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty; we easily imagine conditions far higher than anything we have really reached."

Tonight I feel this way about my first twenty-seven years of life. The good times, the accomplishments, are swallowed whole by the monster of imagining what might have been. What was not to be. And there is a true sense of loss that comes with those thoughts. It seems that the thing to do would be to say, forget the past, it cannot be changed. Move forward and look to the promise that is to come. However, with the knowledge that nothing will ever be as good as you can imagine, then what's the point of moving on at all? It seems that the future, with all its promise is really no more then a promise of disappointment, because the truth is that life is just normal. Regaurdless of love, fame, money, or time I will never be anything but little old me. Perfectly normal, faulty, often disappointing and painfully ordinary me. How horrible it is to learn we are simply simple.

On Turning Ten

The whole idea of it makes me feel like I'm coming down with something, something worse than any stomach ache or the headaches I get from reading in bad light-- a kind of measles of the spirit, a mumps of the psyche, a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul. You tell me it is too early to be looking back, but that is because you have forgotten the perfect simplicity of being one and the beautiful complexity introduced by two. But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit. At four I was an Arabian wizard. I could make myself invisible by drinking a glass of milk a certain way. At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince. But now I am mostly at the window watching the late afternoon light. Back then it never fell so solemnly against the side of my tree house, and my bicycle never leaned against the garage as it does today, all the dark blue speed drained out of it. This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself, as I walk through the universe in my sneakers. It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends, time to turn the first big number. It seems only yesterday I used to believe there was nothing under my skin but light. If you cut me I could shine. But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life, I skin my knees. I bleed. Billy Collins

Mommie Dearest

I love my Mother. A lot actually. In fact, if I didn't then there wouldn't be any kind of a problem because we don't get angry at the people we don't care about. It's only the ones we wish we were getting along with that make us upset when we don't.
So I am hyper sensitive right now. I'll admit it. For the first time in my life I have an opinion that my parents disagree with and for the first time I am aware that they are disappointed in me. This makes me very insecure and I feel guilty all the time for disappointing them and making them sad. However, the idea of living the kind of life they want me to, well, that makes me suicidal. I don't want to go to church and find a nice young woman and become an english teacher and raise a family. I'm sorry Mom, I don't. So stop making me feel like I am scum because I don't see it that way.
I want to be able to live however I want without having to injure the people I love, and right now it is them who are stopping me from being happy... or at least the potential of being happy. Because, if it wasn't for them, things could be very simple. It wouldn't matter where I lived, who I dated, what mistakes I made and what happiness I found. I think I am very angry at them for that.
And because I am already so angry, tired, and frustrated, I am very easy to set off. The smallest thing can really offend me because there is all of that build up behind it. So I fly off the handle really easily. It doesn't help of course that I have two incredibly sure of themselves conservative parents who never even try to see the world for what it actually might be but only for how it can support their already pre-conceived notions of hate and intolerance. And they are both so quick and ready to stuff it down my throat because, I HAVE to agree with them. They try and convince with the assurance that only a person who knows they are right could wield. And I really hate people that think they know they are right. They are impossible to talk to.
So why am I pissy? I think I feel like my parents have let me down. Like I have outgrown them and I feel like they mislead me. Like, I trusted them for years and they let me down. They taught me things that weren't true and told me they knew things that nobody really knows. And I don't want to be like them. I think that is the worst. I mean, I can think of ways that I do want to be like them. Things I do respect about them. But it is overshadowed right now by the things that scare me and disappoint me and hurt me.
So many of the attributes my parents have are things that I hate in people right now. And I just don't know how to deal with that. In the end I just want to be dead, but that can't be my answer anymore. I've spent the past three years just wishing I was dead, and for a large part of that time I might as well have been. I need to take some action. I need to find myself and what makes me happy. what gives me meaning. It would just be so much easier if my parents understood that. But they never will.