Acquainted With The Night

LUCKY BASTARD

2011-02-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here is the deal. I'm not ugly!

I mean, I don't think I'm Brad Pitt or anything. I realize I'm not what you would call "hot", but I'm not ugly. I tell myself I am ugly a lot and I tell myself that I must be awkward and that I must be weird and that no one will ever want me because I am obviously defective and I always say the wrong things blah blah blah. But the truth is I don't believe it. If I really thought I was ugly and unloveable, I wouldn't have the nerve to act so surprised that no one was loving me.

If I am really honest with myself I basically like myself. I mean, (when I am healthy, REAL me) I have a great sense of humor and a versatile wit. I am friendly, warm, kind, courteous and any other number of synonyms. I am also a really talented actor and artist and a semi talented writer who is slowly getting better. (Hopefully) I am one of the most sensitive and thoughtful people I know, and I am always worried about making others comfortable and putting their feelings first. I am intelligent and well read. I love film and love working in film. I have any number of interests. I am the kind of guy I would like to be friends with.

I'll admit that I don't find myself attractive physically... I'm defiantly not a narcissist. I wouldn't look at me and go, "Oh he's hot," because I'm not. I could pull off handsome sometimes I think. And I exercise like a fiend now that I don't have much going on so I guess the "hot" factor is increasing a little. But even if I eventually get a hard, taught body I will still only be a moderately attractive guy with a hot body. Ha ha. I suppose I have some chance of pulling of "cute", but that's only if I find someone who has a thing for tall, skinny, nerdy guys.

What got me thinking tho was this: I recently developed a crush on someone and I thought about them a bunch, but did not really pursue them with any effort. I was finding this person very attractive physically and kept telling myself that I would never be able to date someone so hot. But, then I found out he has a boyfriend and I saw pictures of the boyfriend and he's not at all attractive! And it has totally thrown my perspective around.

Now obviously, the person I want to be with eventually will have to find me attractive. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, obviously, but I am not so unattractive that no one will ever desire me. It just hasn't happened yet. But I am sure it will, and when it does they are going to find out that I am a talented, fun, smart, sensitive guy who is adventurous, interesting, and incredibly loyal.. and apparently really fun in bed... or so I have been told on several occasions.

So some mystery man out there really is going to be a lucky bastard.

Well Damn

2010-09-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

Darn it. I'm depressed again. I've actually gone a really long time now where I was doing pretty good. I suppose I have been comfortable and that usually makes me happy. But now I am moving home to Montana and all my old worries and concerns are stacking up again and I am seriously getting all suicidal and wishing I was dead again. I'm not going to kill myself, I always have to specify that, but I want to be dead. I just don't want to do this again. I hate it when I know this is coming.

I don't know how to live with some of the truths in my life. I don't know how to live with being alone, not being wanted. I don't know how to deal with not being desirable to the people I love. I don't know how to deal with not knowing what I want to do with myself, or not having the desire to do anything but die.

Meanwhile I am getting uglier and older every day, I waste money and time trying to get in shape when it doesn't really work and , even if I was fit, I would still be ugly, just fit and ugly.

I got a bad haircut today and now I don't even want to come out of my room. I was excited to hang out with some people before I left but now I just want to stay in my room. I'm so gross and horrible and now that I am aware it's just so embarrassing. I can't handle it knowing people think I'm gross.

The thing is that, people tell me I'm not ugly and they tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, but it makes no difference. I have never had someone I was attracted to be attracted to me. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never had a loving relationship. And the people that tell me I am not ugly, also don't want anything to do with me. So it's hard to believe.

The truth is I have had opportunities to date some cool guys. But I was either not attracted to them or sure that we weren't compatible. They would be better off with other people. I kind of blew it with one or two of them because I was too scared.

Now I am going back to Montana and there will be absolutely no chance that I will meet someone and that is incredibly depressing. But so is being here and there still being no possibility of meeting someone because I am either too ugly or too weird. But still I hope that some day someone will love me and think I'm worthwhile.

But that is the worst pain. I allow myself to think things. I think, "Maybe I'm not totally ugly." "Maybe it's possible that someone might think my personality is attractive." "Maybe so and so could like me."

But then it's never true. It always ends up being the complete opposite and it destroys me. Then I just want to die cause I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I'm never going to be accepted where I want to be, desired where I want to be, or loved where I want to be.

I know there are other people in the world with much worse problems. Sometimes I just need to vent. I have no one to talk to really. My friends have heard it all before and they are sick of it. I don't want to drive them further away. And I can't tell my parents I'm sad that I can't find a man because they don't want me too. Anyway, in the end it doesn't help. No one can convince me that things are different. Maybe someday if I manage to find someone, then I will feel different, but the more depressed I get the more crazy and weird I get and the less self esteem I have and the less likely it is anyone will want me. I really am stuck in a trap and no one can tell me what to do to break it. I really am destined to fail and fail worse and worse and I beg for help, but no one can help me. I pray to God for help, even though I don't believe in him. I've been asking him to kill me for years, but he obviously hasn't yet. Just like every other request he never answered.

If Only

2010-09-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I have a bit of a problem. Women love me. Of course, If I wasn't gay this would be great and I'm sure I would have been married forever ago. Even right now, I am in a play and there are at least two girls that are seriously vying for my attention. One has told me she has a crush on me and the other has told me she would marry me. And it's always been like that. As far as the girls are concerned I am a serious catch. Too bad I am gay.

I don't want to tell them because I can just imagine it being a big disappointment for them and, I also like the fact that they like me, and it would hurt for their looks of love to change to looks of disgust. There is also a big part of me that just hates advancing a stereotype and I don't want to be just another gay theater boy. But I tell you, it's times like these that really make me think that it would have been nice to be straight. There is definitely something about meeting a nice girl, getting married, and having a family that is very tempting. And so many of the girls I know are really so cool. If I was straight I would so marry one of them. We would have a blast.

I guess it seems so nice because I have never had a problem with girls wanting me, but have yet to have a relationship with a guy. I don't show up on the radar of gay guys for some reason. And the ones that do try to contact me (rarely) are the kind of people that I often am not attracted to physically and personality wise. Now I'm not whining here, nor am I depressed or something. I am sure there is someone out there for me. I just need to find them. And in the mean time, worrying about it won't make them appear any faster.

Still, it gets discouraging as I continue to play ignorant to the ladies charms around me. I don't know what else to do but be nice and courteous, but never give them any signals back. Meanwhile I wonder how I could give signals to all the guys that I would like to get to know better... but I've never been good at signals, and guys aren't traditionally good at reading them. :)

I would just speak up, but that is scary.

I Like the REAL Me

2010-08-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

I very rarely blog when I am sane, and so I thought I would just write a fast message so that anyone out there who maybe reads this will have a somewhat better idea of who I am.

I don't like the me that blogs on here. The me that blogs on here is often the depressed, frustrated, and selfish me. Not intentionally selfish or cruelly selfish, but selfish in the way that I am in so much pain that I can only usually think about myself. It's times like those that you forget that some people do have it worse and there are some things actually worth living for, and that your life really isn't that bad.

For the most part these days I am the person who remembers that. I am actually very sure and confident about what I believe at this stage of my life, and if I do not know something, I am confident in my agnosticism. I have good friends, fun hobbies, and talents to share with the world. I have a family that loves me and has become more accepting then I ever thought possible. (We have a ways to go but it's still better then it was) All in all, it could be a lot worse and there are times when I think that is a legitimate excuse to smile.

Being Gay Sucks Ass

2010-07-24T03:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't got depressed in a while but tonight I feel like I want to scream. I'm so frustrated and coming home I could almost drive my car into a wall. I want to cut, but I don't really have anything to do it with and it's obviously not the best solution, so instead I am writing this. I am aware I am whining and if you don't like that then Don't read the fucking post! I'm doing this for my sanity.

I hate being gay. Well... that's a complicated concern actually. The truth is I enjoy being gay. I prefer it to being straight. I like the idea of it I guess. But the whole actuality of living it is impossible. It just doesn't work. I can't make anything work.

I have a life that I would like to be living in my head. I don't even think it's that delusional. It's pretty feasible really. I don't want to be a rock star or anything. I just want to be a happy gay man. Is that so improbable?

BUT NOTHING WORKS!!! I can't make friends because the people who I want to be friends with don't want anything to do with me. I try all the time. I am constantly actively pursuing friendships, but nobody wants me. I see other people that I love and respect having close intimate interactions with each other, and I don't do anything like that. Nobody wants to. Well, nobody that I want to does. I guess there are a few people that would but I don't want anything to do with them.

I just want to be desired, and I just want to know what I am doing wrong! I'm open to suggestion, I JUST WANT TO KNOW! Am I ugly? Am I boring to people? Are they intimidated by me because they think I am smart, or stupid, or righteous, or a pervert? Do people think I'm lame or do they not think about me at all. I'm so desperate to know. Were talking tears, clinch my fists and scream desperate.

When I first started coming out it was the best thing in the world because for the first time in my life I felt like I was really connecting with people, but now it's all gone and the gay community leaves me hating myself and feeling insecure and scared. I see happy, beautiful, social people every which way I look, and none of them see me. Admittedly I have never gotten along with my peers very well, but I guess I hoped that the gay community would be different. I just got so much hope up, and it sucks hard to be wrong. And it hurts like a barbed wire wand up my.... nose.

In the end it has to just be something wrong with me and that makes me the most depressed because that leaves me just feeling defective. The gay world would get along fine without me. I thought I was entering a brotherhood really I think, but it doesn't want me.

Comments are welcomed. I need help with my sanity.

Dealing With the Pain of Being Normal

2010-05-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

A am almost thirty years old today. I'm actually turning twenty seven and the thought leaves a hole in my chest that feels like it should have been filled by now but actually gets a little bigger with every year. Its almost like I never expected to actually get old. And now that I am I feel like life is useless in so many ways. Every day that goes by, every month, year, seems to teach me the truth that, life is really nothing special. It is the same for everyone and it will always be the same for me.

I realize that there are good times. There were moments. There will be moments again. But for those of us with any kind of imagination, always at the fore-front of ones mind are all the good times that never were. That never will be. All the dreams that can't be achieved because well, peoples lives are normal and boring, and the opportunity has long since passed. In real life, things don't actually happen to people.

"TV taught me how to feel. Now real life has no appeal." - Marina and the Diamonds

In the book "The Four Loves" C. S. Lewis talks about how people might assume that, because he speaks so intelligently of religion, he must be a pretty righteous man. He says that this is a myth.

"Those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty; we easily imagine conditions far higher than anything we have really reached."

Tonight I feel this way about my first twenty-seven years of life. The good times, the accomplishments, are swallowed whole by the monster of imagining what might have been. What was not to be. And there is a true sense of loss that comes with those thoughts. It seems that the thing to do would be to say, forget the past, it cannot be changed. Move forward and look to the promise that is to come. However, with the knowledge that nothing will ever be as good as you can imagine, then what's the point of moving on at all? It seems that the future, with all its promise is really no more then a promise of disappointment, because the truth is that life is just normal. Regaurdless of love, fame, money, or time I will never be anything but little old me. Perfectly normal, faulty, often disappointing and painfully ordinary me. How horrible it is to learn we are simply simple.

On Turning Ten

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Billy Collins

Mommie Dearest

2010-04-27T18:18:00.001-07:00

I love my Mother. A lot actually. In fact, if I didn't then there wouldn't be any kind of a problem because we don't get angry at the people we don't care about. It's only the ones we wish we were getting along with that make us upset when we don't.
So I am hyper sensitive right now. I'll admit it. For the first time in my life I have an opinion that my parents disagree with and for the first time I am aware that they are disappointed in me. This makes me very insecure and I feel guilty all the time for disappointing them and making them sad. However, the idea of living the kind of life they want me to, well, that makes me suicidal. I don't want to go to church and find a nice young woman and become an english teacher and raise a family. I'm sorry Mom, I don't. So stop making me feel like I am scum because I don't see it that way.
I want to be able to live however I want without having to injure the people I love, and right now it is them who are stopping me from being happy... or at least the potential of being happy. Because, if it wasn't for them, things could be very simple. It wouldn't matter where I lived, who I dated, what mistakes I made and what happiness I found. I think I am very angry at them for that.
And because I am already so angry, tired, and frustrated, I am very easy to set off. The smallest thing can really offend me because there is all of that build up behind it. So I fly off the handle really easily. It doesn't help of course that I have two incredibly sure of themselves conservative parents who never even try to see the world for what it actually might be but only for how it can support their already pre-conceived notions of hate and intolerance. And they are both so quick and ready to stuff it down my throat because, I HAVE to agree with them. They try and convince with the assurance that only a person who knows they are right could wield. And I really hate people that think they know they are right. They are impossible to talk to.
So why am I pissy? I think I feel like my parents have let me down. Like I have outgrown them and I feel like they mislead me. Like, I trusted them for years and they let me down. They taught me things that weren't true and told me they knew things that nobody really knows. And I don't want to be like them. I think that is the worst. I mean, I can think of ways that I do want to be like them. Things I do respect about them. But it is overshadowed right now by the things that scare me and disappoint me and hurt me.
So many of the attributes my parents have are things that I hate in people right now. And I just don't know how to deal with that. In the end I just want to be dead, but that can't be my answer anymore. I've spent the past three years just wishing I was dead, and for a large part of that time I might as well have been. I need to take some action. I need to find myself and what makes me happy. what gives me meaning. It would just be so much easier if my parents understood that. But they never will.

A Thing of Beauty

2010-04-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

So I went and saw Kick Ass last night and, as it's title might suggest, it totally Kicked Ass. It was fun, campy, and cool. And also it starred the above twenty year old, Aaron Johnson, with whom I am now in love. My love for him is complicated and pure like the distilling process of a good bottled water. And like the biblical sword of God, it has two edges.

One: He is married and expecting a child, so of course I wish him all the best, but if that were not the situation, lets just say... he would always have somewhere to bunk if he needed it.

Two: I wish I was like him. I wish I had a hot body, mixed with full hot lips, and a quirky charming personality that made people fall in love with me.

The first part is fun too imagine, the second one is kind of depressing to think about.

Why are we attracted to certain people? I can remember the first time I really thought someone was attractive. It was my cousin! Ha! - Seriously though it was, but he was like a third cousin twice removed by marriage or some such genetic distance, so go ahead and get the incest scare out of your head. I can't even remember his name at the moment. Lets call him Mark.

I went to live with my great grandma in St. Anthony, Idaho the summer I was twelve years old. I was there with my first cousin K and she turned out to be a total B. The town of St. Anthony is a small little community were my mother was born in a little hospital that is now a Maverick Town Pump. (No correlation to John McCain) There is a park and a drug store, but beyond that we were very much in the business of making our own fun, which for K usually meant making my life a living hell. She was constantly teasing me and trying to get a rise. I was unaccustomed to this kind of treatment and really didn't take it well.

In order to keep us busy, we were introduced to our "cousins" down the street. I remember being so impressed with Mark almost immediately. I had met him years before and I remember him being 'all boy.' He had been an early example of the kinds of boys I had only experienced in the movies, and while we were there, had even got into the first fight I had ever seen. Having met him before, I already felt like we had a history of brotherhood and I was excited to spend time hanging out fishing, swimming, talking, basically doing anything he wanted to do. I would have been totally fine.

He did take us fishing and all that, but it never went like I wanted it too because K stole every moment to try and team up with Mark against me. She would make fun of me in front of him. Taunt me and then call me a whiny baby when I tried to retaliate. She even plotted with him to humiliate me on a few occasions, one involving a fire extinguisher full of water and me ending up all wet while everyone else laughed. I went home crying after that one.

In all these situations I tried desperately to gain Marks favor and wrestle his sympathy towards me and away from K but he was almost Peter Pan like in his attention span and cared nothing for who he was with, always more concerned with what activity was going to happen next.

I was a bit obsessed with Mark, but I didn't really know it or know why. Then there was the day we went swimming in the canal. It was less then a block away from my grandma's house, and it was also the spot where I caught my first fish with my dad several years earlier. I can remember my father taking the fish off the line. The tearing sound of the hook on its gaping mouth. Then my father set the fish in a hole to die and I took up a vigil on the bank. I willed myself to cry because I felt like I owed the fish something. It was my fault it was dying and it only seemed right that I feel amply tortured.

The canal started at a bridge and went about a quarter mile to a log that stretched across the whole of the water where there was a sandy field. We would all start on the other side of the bridge, floating under it (a prospect that horrified me because it was dark and mucky) and make our way down leisurely to the log. We had gone before, and it had been a planned occasion, but this time it was spur of the moment and Mark did not go home to change. Instead he just went in his white, baseball themed boxers. And we all know what happens when white fabric gets wet.

The thing was he didn't care at all. He didn't even seem aware, although with my staring I don't see how he couldn't have been. But he wasn't embarrassed. He just had fun. I was aware however and it blew my mind. It was the first time I can remember having a physical reaction of arousal. I was a very ashamed shy little boy so to see him be so casual was something to be envied along with his body which was young, slim, toned, and all around the kind of thing that would have made an ancient sculptor put chisel to marble. I can still remember the feeling of longing that I had then and I can't help but feel it now when I look at Mr. Kick Ass.

This same feeling I have had for any number of guys since then. Guys that make me excited at the same time that they make me sad. Sad because it is so totally beyond me. It's like a child seeing a great bird flying and just wishing for that freedom and beauty. That's how it feels, and the reality of getting older and realizing that you will never experience it, well, you wonder what the point is after that sometimes. How can you possible be excited about walking around, when you know that some people are flying? Why does it seem like, to be aware of possibilities means that you can never again be happy with the way things are?

It wasn't until that summer when I was twelve that I realized that I hated what I was. I had never thought about it before. I was totally content with what I had and saw around me. But then I stood in the presence of beauty and I hid my face in shame and realization.

Some day, I suppose, its possible that someone will come along and, in my face, they will see that same kind of beauty. I won't be able to understand why they see it, or what they see, but hopefully it will help me think that, just maybe, there really is something there worth having.

What Not To Wear

2010-04-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Halloween was always an exciting time for me. I chalk this up to a natural love for all things macabre and campy. Even from a young age my childhood heros were a illustrative line up of the nasty and fabulous. Headliners including Dracula, Elvira Mistress of the Dark (Whom I named my 4H sheep after) and anything remotely involved with the Alien series of films. Sigourney Weaver, peace be upon her.

My costumes were always embellished and, once I was old enough to wield a glue gun, usually home made with a sober methodology and an attention to detail that would have made Liberace proud. One year in elementary school I was Predator from the 1987 film of the same name. I made the mask and hair out of cardboard, hot glue, duct tape, spray paint and yarn. (Tried and true friends of gay children everywhere.) With a little help from my more electrically minded older brother, I even managed to make the shoulder gun out of a flashlight that could be activated from my arm band with the flip of an old light switch. I didn't win the elementary school costume contest that year, (I won the previous year for going as The Penguin) but I attribute that to the lack of sci-fi horror fans in the judging panel.

It was my sixth grade year however, that my feelings for Halloween first became mixed. It was 1995 and Batman Forever was about to come out, and I was obsessed with The Riddler. I thought he was the best villain ever. He was flashy, smart, witty, confident, and liked mystery. We had so much in common. There was no question who I was going to be, maybe with just a little bit less spandex though. My body image had come to the for front of my mind that summer and I wasn't feeling like showing off what I had, since I wasn't even sure what that was. (Thanks puberty) So I opted for some green sweats. My mother bought me some glitter glue and I spent hours drawing all those tiny question marks up and down those sweats.

My father, an all around handy man who was always helpful in these situations, made me a surprisingly accurate dowel / styrofoam replica of the cane the character wields in the film. I made the mask out of an old Lone Ranger style, and bought my orange hair dye. This was gonna be good.

I had just moved to Montana and over the summer I had made the discovery that people can not like you. Up until then, no one had not liked me, and if they had, I was always busy being too happy to notice. But now, in a new school, with new rules, I was cautious. I was always quiet. I watched before I acted. I distanced myself from possibly "uncool" people. But most of that anxiety had somehow been swallowed up in my fantasies of how awesome this costume would be. I think I imagined winning costume contests like I had before, and having an excuse to play with like minded students perhaps dressed as other characters. If I recall correctly, I even spent some time fantasizing who I would like to be my Batman.

Of course when I got to school, I was one of the only kids in costume. Even though costumes had been encouraged, somehow the gods that be sent out a "not cool" memo that I, like usual, did not receive. I wasn't alone, but I was pretty isolated in the, "went all out" category. At recease my hopes for fame and fun quickly turned into excuses of, "No I don't really care." and "I just thought it'd be funny." I hated my costume and anything extra, the cane, the hat, the mask, the belt, all went into the locker for the rest of the day while I sat quietly isolated in a full classroom trying to be one of the kids that was too cool to dream anymore.

In many ways, I get a lot of the same feelings now when it comes to buying and choosing clothes. Now I am in no way fashion minded or obsessed, but when I buy some old retro shirt or sweater, or some new jeans in some vivacious new color, there is usually that moment where I get excited and picture the compliments and the oohs and awes. I might even hope to snag the attention of a Batman or two. A scarf or a tie become exhilarating when they become a possible bridge to another person. There is a potential so thick in the air that I can slice with a debit card, and off I go with another pair of shoes, another pair of pants. Sometimes I am so excited that I can't even wait and I change into the new duds as soon as I get home. I'm ready to show this newly put together me to the world. Lets get this party started.

However, like the glitter glue of my question marks, it often turns out that I'm the only one who seems to appreciate the sparkle. Besides, even when something you wear fishes out the occasional compliment, it never tastes as sweet as you imagined. It usually passes by like a small town on the highway. As the night progresses you realize that the clothes are not magic, they are in fact transparent, and you are just what you always were to everyone around you. And if you aren't particularly happy with what that is, then it can be a sad moment.

Of course its silly to think that what we are wearing will open up possibilities that were not there before, or cause people to see you in a different light. Didn't most people learn these lessons in middle school when we all tried it so hard? Well, I didn't try it in middle school. The idea of getting it wrong actually scared me so much that I just went the neutral route. I tried to wear the plainest most unmotivated things I could. It's only now that I'm trying to care again.

So I'm back to halloween. What do I want to be? Every day the possibilities are endless and sometimes I get so worried that I'm doing it wrong that I switch a few times in a day. Often I get decked out in a new outfit only to become self conscious and leave the "hat and mask" lying somewhere far away from judging eyes. What I need to learn is the same thing that would have saved me in middle school. It's the truth that, nobody really cares. My evidence for this is that I don't. I don't judge anyone by what they wear. I would never even think of doing so. I wouldn't want to be friends with the people that do. At the big halloween party of life, nobody is actually watching my costume parade. So I'm beginning to think it might be better to just go as whatever the hell I am, and join the crowd on the dance-floor.

Lets talk...

2010-04-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

Lets talk about suicide. Now hold on, this is not like my last posts where it's a desperate effort to reach out to someone. Nobody needs to flock to my side or anything. This post is purely for discussion. I want to throw out some ideas.

But first off, a continued disclaimer. I realize that I am in a bad frame of mind and that I am a danger to myself. Within several weeks I will probably be living with family again and they will be looking after me, so the chances of me hurting myself are very slim, so please don't feel a need to worry about me. I really do not want too much attention because I don't want people thinking I'm just doing this for attention, although to some degree I'm sure I am. Otherwise why would I write about it? It's a horrible, circular kind of thing that makes me tired and sad to think about.

However that is one of the things I want to discuss.

There are two commonly accepted ideas surrounding suicide that I wish to call into question for ideas sake. First: Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. & Second: People who attempt suicide just for attention are bad people.

1: I have been associated with four or five suicides in my life and every time I have heard the people affected say things like, "How could they do this to us?" and "It's just so selfish." I personally think that it is this attitude that is selfish in reality. This person was in horrible pain. So horrible that they really thought the only way to stop it was to stop everything. At worst, they were so overcome with pain that they lost their mind and acted totally irrationally. What is selfish about that? I suppose it's the idea that they were only thinking of themselves, but pain has a way of doing that to us. Pain blinds us to everything and anything but pain. The idea that they were somehow selfish human beings that, if they had a little more character, would never have put their loved ones through pain, well that is selfish and totally ludicrous. This person was living in hell and all we can think about is the fact that now they have hurt us? How hypocritical.

Would we have rather they continued living in pain, just so we could have the comfort of knowing they were around, somewhere far away? So that we could have those few moments that we had with them, and forget about them the rest of the time they lived their hellish existence? Who's being selfish. Is that selfish? To expect them to live in horror just for our comfort and sense of normalcy?

2: If someone attempts suicide just to get attention, then isn't that a pretty clear warning sign that someone isn't in their right frame of mind? Isn't that a clear cry for help? A person is so desperate for help, attention, love, or something else, that they have to hurt themselves in order for them to feel they are connected? Isn't this a situation better handled with compassion and concern then with hate and disdain? We treat it like a cry of wolf as if we were angry villagers, pissed that someone had messed up our normal routine. Yes, in this situation a person is only thinking about themselves. But pain does that to us! It decays the mind and destroys hope. These are the actions of the desperate and injured, not the selfish. If we simply react with disdain and dismissal, then they really should kill themselves because their last ditch effort failed.

I sympathize with those in pain. All these comments that, "it's not as bad as you think" or , "there isn't as much wrong with you as you think there is." Or worse yet the people that say it is all just whining and that a person just needs to shut up and deal with it. These are the comments that reassure the suicidal that they are doing the right thing, because it says that nobody understands and nobody really wants to. It reminds them how alone they are and how hopeless it is.

In conclusion I suppose that the truth is that it really isn't as bad as we think and it really isn't hopeless. An that is the reason in the end that it is bad. It is because if someone kills themselves they will miss out on all the good things that will happen to them if they get HELP. But it's up to us to be the help.

And finally, I am not complaining in this post about how I have been treated. Many people have been kind and understanding to me. Good friends, councilors, and others. In fact, the knowledge of how kind people have been, juxtaposed against my still strong desire to see everything end raises some interesting questions. How do you really help someone in this situation? Because so many people have tried in kindness, and still I find myself back in the same frame of mind. I don't know what it takes? What makes things change? I suppose it has to do with me changing something, but whenever I think too hard about what that might be, truthfully I usually just end up wishing I was dead. What a catch 22.

New Story

2010-04-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

So I wrote a new story. I posted it on my other blog tonight. It's from the world of the book Im writing. I know that sounds so cliche and silly, but Im doing it because I enjoy the hobby. Im not trying to write the next american novel.

Anyway you should check it out if your so inclined, or if you read any of my previous ones. Leave a comment if you have any criticism or praise.

So I feel like I need to apologize a bit that I totally freak out on my blog every now and then. In retrospect it always seems a bit dramatic to say the least, but it always seems very appropriate at the time and I never lie. That really is the way I feel at the time. I'm better now. I am not feeling great all the time but I am feeling better.

I think I would like to get a job and start doing some kind of volunteer service work. I think that I need to forget about the things about my life that make me unhappy for a bit, since I can't really change them, and get too busy to worry about it.

I'm still reluctant to hang out with people because it usually leaves me feeling worse then I did before. I spend most of my time at home alone. It's nobodies fault of course, I do it to myself. But I'm okay for now.

I started talking with a guy on line and we really hit it off. We had a lot in common and I was really excited to meet him. But he said he was too busy, which he probably was. I kept sending text and emails to try and keep up the conversation, but his replies slowly dissipated. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I sent him an email telling him I was sorry I freaked him out, and that I wished him a good life. I think it was a bit dramatic, but I was still recovering from the events of my last post. I was really upset about the whole thing for a while but now I'm kinda over it. I think it's really rude to ignore someone, and if that's the kinda guy he was then I suppose Im better off. True I could have been talking too much, so then say something. It might hurt my feelings, but not as bad as ignoring me does. That's just so cruel.

Anyway, thanks for everyone who has ever shown me a kindness or who has ever listened to me or just let me hang around. I love you all. :)

Now Im getting all cheesy.

It really is over

2010-03-26T11:35:00.001-07:00

It really is over. I don't want to go on. I have nothing that Im living for anymore. My relationship with my parents is neutered to the point of being totally useless. I can't call family and tell them how I feel because they will try to manipulate me to their will. I don't have any friends that can solve my problems. Nobody can solve my problems. I don't believe in the church anymore but Im overcome with a desire to humble myself and go back to God. I can't understand how confused I am. Nothing makes sense, everything is unbearable and I just want to turn it all off.

For years now I have gone to concealing of some kind. I always feel better after concealing. I feel like I am a good person who is not crazy, who wants good things and is going about it the right way, and who just has to wait for someone to notice. But it's just not true. It just not true. My therapists have been lying to me. Im none of those things, and worse yet I don't know what I want and when I think I do, it only hurts cause I can't have it.

The only thing I want is to be gone, quiet, disappear. I don't want to have to burn time at home alone any longer. I don't want to feel good about myself only to feel worse later. I don't want to invite someone to do something and get turned down. I don't want to go to a party and have no one talk to me. I don't want to know my parents cry when they think about me. I don't want to know that I'm selfish and only thinking about myself. I don't want to wish desperately I had someone to talk to, but then not want to talk to anyone. I don't want anything. I want nothing. Simple, lovely, quiet, un-confusing, nothing.

I don't want to feel better. It's all a lie. It always was. Im sick of trying.

Easily Toppled

2010-03-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

So if anyone reading this knows me, and wonders why they haven't seen much of me recently it's because I barely leave the house anymore. I spend a lot of time just sitting around my home, reading and doing other stuff. What started out as a desire to take a little 'me' time and remember who I was and what I liked doing, has turned into a bit of a safety zone that I am reluctant to emerge from, and am getting more reluctant by the day.

I am very easily toppled. Im like a Jenga tower that has already been played on too long. It only takes a small movement, a shake of the finger, a misplaced nudge, and I come crashing down.

I have almost no desire to hang out with friends anymore. I love them all, but when I hang out with some, I simply feel more lonely because they are in love, and when I hang out with others, I simply feel like I don't belong. Like I don't relate somehow. I don't get what's going on. I feel bored and unable to fit in. Lack of common interests? In different places? Choose your pic.

My councilor is trying hard to convince me that I am not the crazy one. She tells me that BYU is probably the worst place I could be for discovering myself and meeting people I can relate too. This is probably true, but it is hard to shake the idea that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

For instance: I was in love with the first two people I was sexually intimate with. Those occasions were some of the greatest moments of my life. Since then I have had sexual encounters with several people. These have done little for me. They are often shrouded in guilt and regret, but mainly a desire for that love that i thought i once had. In fact, some of those recent experiences have left me disgusted with sex in general and almost devoid of desire for it. I don't want to have fake intimacy. I want the real thing. And that doesn't even mean sex! I want someone to love me, and for me to love them. I want to really connect with people. I don't want to imitate it, like I believe so many people do. But instead of going out and making this happen, I will stay at home because, it doesn't work to try.

I saw one of those boys today that I was in love with. Still am in love with to a degree. He is not in love with me. He loves me, but is not in love with me. He never was. Neither was the other boy. I don't think they ever meant to be cruel. We were just having fun, unfortunately I was also falling in love. Since then there have been any number of guys that I had hoped to get to know better, but always my attempts at becoming friends with the people I desire falls very flat. It can only go on for so long before you become pretty convinced its something the matter with you, and not the rest of the world.

You wonder if it is the way you look. It seems apparent that I am not attractive enough for the men I would like to date. Is it the way I behave? Something I say or do, or don't do? My blog would suggest that I complain, but it can't be that they think I am too whiny because they never get to know me well enough to know that I am. :)

Anyways. Meeting people I would like to get closer to, and not being able to do it sucks. Then, meeting people who will hang out with me, but only make me feel more isolated because I feel like I don't belong, sucks. So I am staying home.

I don't feel like there is anything anyone can do to help me and I understand how whiney and self centered this is... but my blog is the only place I can get it all out. I don't know anyone who I could sit down with and vent this all out too, who wouldn't eventually be driven away by it, or with whom I worry I would become dependent upon.

I was writing for a while. I even started a writing blog cause I hoped it would be a way to relate to people, even if through third person. This was a stupid idea. I want to take it down out of embarrassment. I doubt anybody checked it, nor would I expect them too. And I also had a rather harsh revue of one of my stories in my writing class that left me pretty devoid of desire to continue.

I realize that this all sounds very weak and it seems to make sense that the simple knowledge that, there is hope, should be able to make a difference to me. I should be able to say, in these situations, that things are not what they appear. However, I feel like my Jenga tower is so flimsy that I don't have time to think. It always comes crashing down with the slightest nudge.

But if I keep to myself nobody or nothing will be able to nudge it. And for now that seems like such a nice idea.

New Blog

2010-03-13T13:14:00.001-08:00

I started a new blog. This one is going to be for writing. It will hopefully contain short stories, creative essays, and humorous thoughts if I have any. As of now it only has two short stories. I am doing this because I enjoy writing and I want to get better. I thought having a blog might help push me to do just that. I look forward to peoples comments if they find the time, and I'll keep this one going for all my usual, emotionally digestive reasons.

The link is:

http://gayspacious.blogspot.com/

2010-03-02T01:40:00.000-08:00

I tell my mother that I am not suicidal, but of coarse I am. I just don't want her to worry.

WAIT! Don't stop reading yet. I promise this isn't going to be one of those depressing posts. (Didn't you see the happy Unicorn?) Im just starting it on that note to get it out of the way.

So yea, Im suicidal sometimes. Im not sure I ever will do it, but it sucks wishing you would and it sucks even more now that my family is starting to figure out that I have no real intention of staying in the Mormon Church and will probably end up living a "gay lifestyle" even if Im not really sure what that is. She is obviously very upset and she spends a lot of time throwing around the pain I have caused her and my father. Since I don't really believe its all that big of a deal, there is obviously a logical disconnect between how she is reacting and how I feel about it, but I didn't expect anything else. At any rate, telling myself that I shouldn't feel bad doesn't really make me feel any better in the end.

Ever since I first came out and had my first experiences with human intimacy I have become pretty obsessed with who I liked and who liked me and what people thought in general. I am always looking for friends and possibly boyfriends who I can share my life with. I have been rather unsuccessful in this department of coarse. I have found lots of friends. Good ones too. But nobody who is interested in me, in the way I would wish. This is, of coarse, a very old problem that I am not the first to have.

I have said it before, but I have been so selfishly worried about what others can do for me, and who was going to do it, that I have neglected the impact I make on the world. I don't really do anything, and I don't know who I am or what I really want. I am slowly meandering through school, doing poorly, and barely nothing. I have no hobbies, no skills.

There are three things I would like to do. I have always wanted to do since I can remember and I think that I stopped wanting them because I convinced myself that they were impossible. But they are my life goals.

1. I want to be a film actor. (Doesn't have to be anything big)

2. I want to be a writer. (Don't need to write the next american novel, but if someone recognized me some day and said, "I loved your book." that would be great.)

3. I want to be an Art Designer and work on films.

I realize these seem impossible. Or maybe they just seem impossible to me. The truth is, that I am above average at all three and I have the potential to succeed, but I don't know where to start or what to do. I can't even get my hopes up. Like everything else, in my life, when it gets hard I just quit cause I can't take the disappointment. It kills me. Its the worst pain in the world. Better to not even try.

When I said it killed me, I was speaking figuratively of coarse. :)

But I would like to try. Getting up the courage and excitement to try is harder and harder for me. That is why I would like to go away and start anew. Somewhere where I can have hope and where I might be happy.

This is of coarse problematic, because happiness is more of a state of mind then a location.

See what I do to myself! I never let myself be happy. I always ruin it.

This is why I usually just wish I was dead.

Self Preservation

2010-02-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to kill myself so bad, but I just can't do it. I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. My self preservation instinct is just too strong. I mean, I've tried cutting my wrists for instance. But it's actually very difficult to cut yourself. At least it is for me. And I just can't go deep enough to hit anything major. Although I think I at least hit muscle last night because my arm is soar today. And even then, I don't think I'm trying to kill myself as much as put myself in the hospital. I don't know what that would achieve when I stop and think about it. I don't really want that either. But the truth is I don't want what I have now and I suppose I just see that as a way out.

I think I'm going to stop taking my medication because I don't think it makes any kind of a difference. I don't think I have a chemical problem as much as Im just incapable of living a normal life.

I have lots of great friends, a wonderful family, and opportunities that would make 97% of the world green with envy, so I am not going to complain about the things I don't have. But I will say that I think some people are just not made of strong enough stuff to handle life. Some people just can't do the stress and fear and disappointment. I might be one of those people.

I think what I would really like is to be taken care of. I want to be protected and safeguarded, which is why I think the idea of putting myself in a hospital appeals to me. If I was there I wouldn't have to... well, anything. And everything going away sounds very nice.

I desperately want help, but there is no help anyone can give. I see a councilor, I hang out with friends, I do hobbies and activities. But all of these things really only distract me from reality, until something bad happens that breaks the illusion and I remember why I hate life and wish it would just stop.

I don't want to be one of those people who writes things like this so that everybody will say, "Oh Aaron, we love you. Don't do it." That isn't a real solution. In the end, that will just set me up so that every time I feel bad I'll just threaten to kill myself so everybody loves me again. But at the same time, I don't know what to do. It's a serious conundrum.

Im going to quit life. I'll probably drop out of school and stop hanging out with my friends. I don't want to be hurt any more and I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone. I don't want to send signals. I don't want to misunderstand. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to feel unwanted. I don't want to alienate the people I love. I don't want anything. Please don't call me or text me if you know who I am. Don't invite me to things. Pretend I died. If nobody is thinking of me, that is so much better then worrying about what they are thinking.

If I've known you, then I hope that I was kind to you. I try to never do things to intentionally hurt people, and if I did, I was either too hurt to notice, or I was probably trying to save your feelings. I mess that one up a lot I think.

Making Friends

2010-01-31T15:11:00.000-08:00

First off, I AM SO OVERDRAMATIC! For heavens sake my last post was accompanied by a picture of someone cutting their wrist and the blood forming a heart! Who am I!? Avril Lavine? Seriously, that was so tacky. I leave it up so I can learn from my mistakes, but I also try to remember that when Im in that place, it all seems real then too.

So I have been trying to make friends. I have some wonderful friends now, who I love and appreciate, but I think I am more needy then they deserve. They are great to me, but Im in a place where I want to feel wanted and I want to have people to be with and interactions and fun and intimacy. (not physical) And I decided a while ago that it's unfair to expect this of someone. I need to be more self reliant, so I decided I would make a bunch of new friends and solve my problem myself and then I wouldn't be a burden to anyone. That was considerate right?

Well, making friends really hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. There are lots of people that have struck me as cool who I have tried to start dialogue with, but it never seems to work out. People don't return my enthusiasm and I worry that Im just creeping them out. This n return makes me feel even more self conscious and I have a stronger need to get some kind of affirmation from somewhere. So my attempts get more and more desperate.

It's left me feeling like nobody wants me. But there are a lot of people that do love me, it's just easy to forget. However, I think I have made a discovery! All this time I have imagined that people were out having fun and living complete and happy lives and I was at home being sad, but I don't think thats the way it is. I actually think part of the reason I can't get invited to things is cause people don't do anything! I think everyone is actually just as lonely and bored as I am. so I guess if you want anything to happen in this life you have to be the instigator. Gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and get doing something.

So I hope to continue in my efforts. I love meeting new people and I want as many friends as I can get. I'll admit that part of me is also looking for that "special friend", but I can live without that for a while longer if I got myself some good normal ones. And I already do, they just need a break every now and then.

UPDATE: Never mind. People really don't seem to want to talk or hang out with me. I try and people just avoid me. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I try to be nice, I try to be concerned and interesting. But I just can't get it right.

Pain is life is love.

2009-12-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

When I first came out to other gay friends I was so happy. In fact, I'd be willing to say I'd never been happier. It was amazing to finally be accepted and understood. Or at least to feel that way. I was comfortable with these people and I could be myself and feel like I belonged and contributed.

Then I got a little too involved with some people. It was again, the happiest I have ever been, but it wasn't what I thought it was and it has taken me a long while to recover from no longer having that intimacy in my life. I have wonderful friends that I love and I do feel comfortable and wanted around them sometimes, but that desire to return to that place where I was intimately valued is very strong. I want people to want me. I want someone to want me to be around. Someone who would think at night, "I wonder what Aaron is up to? I wish he was here?" I want it so bad that it colors my thoughts and shakes up my moods. I crave it more than I crave anything in the entire world. Im even obsessed?

My whole life has been a struggle to find my place. I hoped that I would be able to achieve that with a gay identity. At first my experience was that people valued me and wanted to be close to me. I didn't realize that this was mainly because other people where needing that kind of connection as well. Once they had their fill though, they went on to other desires and needs, or for some reason, looked for that fulfillment in people other than myself. I have been left un-needed. I really fill no purpose in anyones life. I am not unloved, but I am not desired and the people that know me could get by without me. Not in a mean way, but in a simple truth way. I do not resent or blame them for this. It's not their fault that I'm not interesting, or sympathetic, or comfortable, or attractive enough for them to have that desire. The truth is just that I don't attract people. For some reason, people meet me and then just move on, not caring or probably even noticing me. Nobody thinks, "He seems cool. I want a little more of him in my life." I don't think people hate me, and Im sure that I'm a nice guy... but that doesn't help.

I was at a birthday party tonight with a bunch of gay guys and I felt very out of place. But I wanted to feel in place! I wanted to be able to have fun and feel comfortable and confident enough to have that freedom, but I couldn't because I don't have what they have. Im not attractive or likable like others are and I think thats just the way it is. And that makes me so incredibly sad.

I allow myself to hope sometimes. I'll get a crush on someone or meet someone who I think, "Maybe they'll be my friend." but it never happens. I have a list of about fourteen guys within the past year that I made a concerted effort to befriend, eventually giving up because I was the one doing all the friending. My feelings and interest were not reciprocated. They never are. I hurt myself so often by hoping things will happen for me, and then devastating myself with the knowledge that Im just not the person things happen for. It makes me want to become cynical and hate filled. I want to never hope again. But the prospect of those things is really the only reason I stay alive. So I go on hoping and then I go on hurting. Eventually I will get sick enough of it. My parents will grow old and die and I will have nothing to keep me here. Then I'll probably end it all.

Life sucks when that is what you look forward to in your most truthful moments. The moments when you hurt enough that you have to stop and think.

Paging Doctor Freud

2009-11-27T15:06:00.000-08:00

I have somewhat of an affinity for bad film. I enjoy watching it for the same reason I assume many people enjoy watching Jerry Springer and such reality television. Because it's a horrible train wreck that is equally fascinating and macabre as it is ill conceived and executed. This love has brought me too watch all kinds of bad movies, and this usually doesn't upset me. The only times I get mad are when a movie should have been good, and wasn't. IE: Indian Jones 4, Star Wars 1-3, X-Men 3, and the second two Spiderman films.

But another thing I just LOVE is unintentionally homoerotic themes and lines and, as you could imagine, the two loves often go hand in hand. I once watched The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies | Cracked.com) when I was sick with mono and they were everything my heart could desire.

So in my recent viewing of bad film, I came upon the summer sleeper Aliens in the Attic with our beloved Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical fame. And in expecting just a bad movie, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of awkward homo moments. It was fairly littered with wonderful comments like, boy leans close to other boy, "Lets go bury the hatchet." and other such gems. However, here is my favorite:

Two attractive young men fighting over the best bedroom.

First Boy: I should get it. Im older.

Second Boy: Yeah, well Im bigger.

First Boy: (Gulp) Did you... grow since Christmas?

Second Boy: Two inches cos'. I can tag a stop sign without even jumping.

While Im not sure what "tag a stop sign" could double for, Im sure you can come up with a meaning by yourself. Some things are best left to the imagination.

Confessions

2009-11-26T02:30:00.000-08:00

So Im gonna make a confession here and get it out. I meet people on craigslist! Now before you throw up, it's not what you think. I don't meet for sex or ncmo or anything. I really do just meet people to meet people. , always advertising it just that way. Sometimes there is a degree of cuddle factor I will confess, but that is usually it. And why am I telling my blog this.

CAUSE IM DONE!

It is always so awkward and pointless. Seriously it is the single handed worst way to meet people in the entire world and gets you so much more trouble than its worth. I actually met someone tonight and had to lie to my friends and tell them I was just tired so they wouldn't laugh at me for being stupid. And nothing happened, but it was so awkward and weird and NOT what I need in my life. So why did I do it?

well, I was feeling really lonely and bummed and all my friends were going to be with family all day or totally out of town so I thought, "Maybe I should try and hang with some other lonely gay boy." well, it was a bad idea. The poor boy is very lonely and nothing like anyone I would usually make friends with and now I'll just have to worry about him and avoid him in the future or I don't know what, and he might have feelings for me.... So Im confessing that I feel like a retard and Im angry at myself for once again letting myself feel sad enough that I went and did something stupid again. I've done my share of stupid things mind you, but to keep doing them really pisses me off.

What makes me even more angry at myself is the fact that I really do have some totally awesome friends who would probably be totally willing to help me out when Im feeling down and there is no reason why I should feel like I should have to go to unseemly, unhealthy means to try and feel better.

Well anyway, slap on my hand. I hate myself right now, but I'll get over it. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a great one. Love you all world!

No Going Back

2009-11-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

I just read the book, "No Going Back" by Jonathan Langford and first impression is that the title is the worst possible name for the book because the main character does go back. It should have been called, "Going Back" because after coming out of the closet the main character ends up back in the closet by the end of the story. And thats all I will say cause I hate spoilers.

It reaffirmed in my mind something I had heard someone say once. They said, "The only way to be gay in the LDS church is to not be gay." And I believe, from a LDS perspective, that is true of what would ideally be expected of us. The ideal gay mormon would keep it inside and avoid any and all influences that would possibly lead him to see anything in a perspective that would be contrary to the will of God. He (Or she. Excuse me ladies, but lets face it, Im writing for myself.) would be expected to actively guard against any influence contrary to established gospel belief and then surround themselves in thought and action that the church would approve and that would strengthen those associated beliefs. This is because we realize our weakness and wish to protect ourselves from the influences of the devil.

So basically we are supposed to pretend to be straight people, and to me that was the message of the book in some ways. To the authors credit, his piece was not propaganda and all the character, even the ones that disagreed with the church, were real, worthwhile, legitimate people. But still, in the end, it was easy to feel the message of choice and superiority. And that is totally legitimate I suppose in a book produced by a gospel member for a gospel people.

However, the book was clarifying for me on my problems with faith. We seem to be expected to give ourselves whole heartedly to the Church leaders and their teaching, believing that they represent the will of God. We are supposed to follow them not only in spite of what others may say, but we are encouraged to avoid the opinions of others and to bury ourselves in the words of the gospel. We are essentially being told, "don't listen to that because you may believe it." I have trouble stomaching that idea because I have trouble with someone claiming they are right when they have no idea what the other side is really saying because they won't listen.

I took a writing class where the mantra was, "The hardest thing to really know is the thing you think you already do." If we think we already have full truth, then, if we are wrong, we will never know because our minds will not even be open to the idea that we could be in error. Hence the theme of my blog. "Be careful that the light by which you see is not the very thing that blinds you."

Of coarse, If the church is totally right, then I am wrong and this post is evil really because it would potentially make a case for questioning and doubt in someone's mind. so as I write this I may be being a tool of satan.

However, that is not my intention really. What I really want is answers so I write these blog post in hopes that someone wiser than me is out there waiting to give me knowledge and truth. But what I usually get is accusations of lack of faith and scoldings for being subversive. It seems that the LDS world would tell me that the only reason I doubt is cause I would try to justify my longing to be homosexual. And that may be true. In spite of that, I still ask my questions hoping that someone can show me where faith is more than just a choice, that has just as much a chance of being the wrong one as any other I might make.

Ill jump on it.

2009-11-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

I thought it was cool to and I was never one to be ashamed of stealing so heres mine. I think it tells you a lot about yourself..... or not. Whatever you want to get out of it.

Children of Eden

2009-11-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the show Children of Eden and it got me thinking about my beliefs in God again. This is something that, for the most part I have tried to avoid because the futility of it tends to make me depressed, but I thought I would write about it and try to convey, if at least to myself, a sense of my feelings and thoughts on the matter, and where I am currently at.

Im not going to reference the show at all cause, well, lets face it. Using a musical to justify personal beliefs would not exactly be a firm foundation, but It is what got me thinking again, and what Im thinking is, "Im not sure that I believe in God." and. "If I believe in God, I don't know if the mormon church is 'his church."

Ahhhh! I said it! I've said it before... I guess this time I WROTE it, but still, Im pausing for a sec so anyone who's shocked can calm down. I hope nobody gets feeling all sad and disillusioned cause, Im actually not really that sad while Im writing this. Its more exploration than it is emotional vomiting.

So the reason I am reluctant to speak of my doubt is that everyone who I have confided this knowledge in up until now gives me the same answer. That answer is, in my own words, "the only reason your doubting now is because you want to be gay so your justifying that emotional disconnect in your mind by doubting God." This could be true I suppose. But I don't appreciate the implication that I set around at night knowing there is a God, and then, because I want to be able to be gay so bad, I tell myself over and over that there isn't.... because that is very much not true.

The truth is closer too, I really don't know. When I think about God and the church I am honestly just dumbfounded. I can remember what it was like to believe. I served a mission and all. I was always active in church and I know enough about Church doctrine and history to make the average member seem like a layman. But now that I have been on the other side of the issue, there is also a part of me that looks at the beliefs of the church and goes... "Really?"

It all comes down to the fact that I never doubted the Church before mainly cause I wouldn't let myself doubt it. If I ever had thoughts or feelings of doubt I just chalked them up to the devil and removed them from my mind or went and read some piece of propaganda (propaganda being simply something that tries to propagate one idea over another) that reconfirmed to me the 'truth' of things. Or I would pray until I felt like God existed again. But now that I have opened the Pandoras Box of doubt I feel like it's possible that the reason I believed so long was simply because I was choosing to believe. I was choosing to see the Lords hand in things because that is the way I was raised and what I was taught to believe.

So am I saying that God isn't real? Heavens no! How in the world would I know? I'm just saying, I don't know and Im automatically skeptic of anyone who thinks they know, because I used to think I knew also.

Some very well meaning friends and family have suggested that I no longer have belief because I am not choosing to do that which I know fosters that belief. I am not saying my prayers or reading my scripture. I am not fasting or humbling myself in a way that I could receive accesses to the Holy Spirit. And they are right. Im not doing those things. But the reason is, I can remember what it was like to do all those things, and I can remember how I felt. I have no doubt that, with an attitude and lifestyle change, I could once again be right back where I was, faith in God strong and secure and meaning running through every part of my life. But I don't want to because I don't know if it was real. I could convince myself it was again, but would I be convincing myself of a lie? I DON"T KNOW! And the sad thing is I don't think there is any way to know. Even the scriptures tell you that it takes faith, but the problem I have with faith is that, really, its a situation where you choose to believe something before you know it to be true, and then, after you believe it, you get the evidence that it is real. And that sounds a lot like a self fulfilling prophecy to me.

I don't mean to attack anyones beliefs through this post so I hope it doesn't come off that way. I am simply talking about me. I would never presume to tell anyone else what to believe or what to feel. How could I about such issues when all I can say is I DONT KNOW.

Im feeling it.

2009-11-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time I feel a bit like I'd like to get back on the wagon. I want to start going to the gym again and eating right, and doing my homework. I've sat around being sad long enough and it doesn't do me any good. In fact it does me harm because it alienates people and what really makes me happy is human connection. Also, I have a bunch of old friends who are doing that, Write a Novel in November, thing and so I may start writing again. Couldn't hurt and it makes me happy.

I've been feeling really lonely as of late. Whenever I go out with big groups of people it is always bitter sweet for me because it leaves me hungry for intimacy. Im not just talking sexual intimacy, although to say that craving isn't there would be a lie, but just human intimacy. But at the same time as I want it so bad, just sitting around suffering for lack of it does me no good. In fact, it probably makes it so I'll never achieve it. So who knows if I will ever find someone who wants to share with me, or even what form that will take or what it will mean or become, but I got to hope that it will eventually and get back on the track of just day to day living. If I don't believe that, then there isn't any point.

PS: I wrote this about three hours ago and I've spent those three hours trying to talk to people on line and Im now depressed again. I try to chat with people on facebook and yahoo and everything I can think of cause Im so desperate to make some kind of connection. But it definitely always leaves me feeling worse because it doesn't work. I need to get a hobby. Or some serious drugs.

Apathy: Feeling nothing is better than feeling hurt.

2009-10-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

Why do I try to put myself out there? Why do we all do it to some extent or another? I suppose its cause we are lonely, but when you put yourself out there and you get rejected it only makes the lonely ten times worse and quite a bit more hopeless. I hate the feeling of longing to have someone, something. Its bad enough right now, I can't imagine how anyone thinks that they will just handle it for the rest of their lives. Far be it from me to give anyone advice on how to live, but a life without that connection seems unbearable. I mean, it seems unbearable now. I wish that the desire could just melt away so that I was content being by myself. But it can't. So I grow more and more hungry, and I let myself get hopeful just a little, until finally I have the courage to put myself out there, and then nothing works and Im reminded why its better to be apathetic all the time. Apathetic or dead, but thats not really an option when you really think it through.

THINKING ABOUT DEATH

2009-10-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pretty melancholy tonight and feeling a lot like I'd rather be dead again. I promised my councilor that I wouldn't do anymore cutting though, so I am trying this.

I don't really want to go through and list all the thing that are making me down. They are pretty much the same things. I don't know what to do about them. I guess it's because its always just the same old stuff that people find themselves wishing they would just be done with it all. It doesn't make for very good reading and probably doesn't make for very good conversation. It's kinda weird if you think about it. Being depressed makes people boring which makes them annoying to those who they love, which makes them more depressed. I really don't know how people find help when they get suicidal because there is no one to help you. People don't exist that are strong enough to be that kind of friend. It's too demanding. People have their own problems and their own weight to carry. And people that don't have problems, wont be able to understand. No wonder people end up dead.

My mother always say's that suicide is the most selfish act. She say's that whenever anyone kills themselves, and when your from a small town in Montana thats more often then you would think. But at the same time, what thought is more selfish? "I have to end it all because I can't deal with the pain." or the person who thinks, "How could he do this to me? I know he was in pain, but didn't he think of me."

I dropped half of my classes already this semester and I didn't tell anyone, and then two weeks ago when I had a particularly bad thing happen, I played around with cutting my wrists, but it hurt too much. I didn't get very far at all. I wasn't trying to kill myself, it was more of a situation where I was hoping for hospitalization. I guess I thought I would go to the hospital and then they would take care of me and I wouldn't have to worry about school, or money, or people hurting me, or people loving me, or anything. I imagine it wouldn't be as wonderful as I hoped.

Everything is hopeless and it's the truth. People tell you it isn't but they don't really know. But it is. Every thing has a terrible cost and nothing is easy. Life is disappointment broken up by fleeting delusional moments where, because of some stupid thing or another, we manage to convince ourselves that its worth all the trouble. But in the truthful quiet moments, we know it isn't.

See this is why I don't write, cause I write crap. Boring crap that no one would want to read. And the people who would read it are the type that would pity you and give you canned advise and hollow phrases that they honestly think can change things. The people I would want to read it and be closer too actually get driven away by it because it confuses them and worries them and they don't know what to do. So yet again, in an effort to reach out and help myself I actually end up doing more damage. Damn thats kind of funny.

God wont give you more than you can handle.

2009-09-08T14:39:00.001-07:00

Lets talk about this idea for a second cause it's total bull shit. Excuse me for the expletive, but I wanted to start this off with a bang and Im afraid I took the cheap route. Anyway.

Oh, and a note that I will be looking at this from a mainly Mormon perspective because thats how I was raised, although I would hope it would be applicable to people of all faiths.

So there are two reasonings that I want to cover. One, from just a mental health stand point. For instance, there are countless people in the world that have been mentally been given more than they can handle. Children that are raped and tortured, parents that watch their children starve and die, or people with life altering accident or life long pain. Many of them are broken and all you have to do is go to a mental institution to see lots of people who have been given, "more than they could handle."

At this point the apologetic would make the case that, "These physical, tragedies are part of life and will be covered in the atonement. Christ has suffered all these things and will some day remove all this pain in a way that we can not understand. The scripture is that we will not be 'tempted' above that which we can bare."

Oh, okay. I get it now. But wait... If we will never be tempted above that we can bear, why does anyone ever sin? Why do people fall away from the Church? Obviously they were tempted above what they could bear. I mean, God knows all, and he knows how we will react to all things, so he knows that if he puts John in situation A, John will leave the church. So why does God allow John to get into situation A, but Jane is never forced to deal with situation A.

At this point the apologist would tie the former idea to the scriptural idea that with God we can bear all things. So the idea I guess is that God will never put us in a situation were we can't succeed because, with Gods help, we can succeed in any situation. It's our choice wether we follow him or not. After all, there are many people who have suffered greatly but who, through their faith in Christ, have remained spiritual and strong.

Well then why do we even say that? Why don't we just say, "God don't take no excuses, so if you think it's tough, buck up cause he expects you to deal with whatever he feels like throwing at you." Isn't it the same idea, even more accurate?

Nice thought I guess, but I still have some issues. One: God knows us so he knows when we will follow him and when we wont. Theoretically all of us have a point were we wouldn't follow him anymore. Yet only some people are forced to get to that point, while others are allowed to live lives were they remain in the bounds of things they can handle. It's not always comfortable, but God could say to himself, "I know if I give John trial A he'll still follow me. But if I give him trial B, he'll give up." God then has the choice to protect John from trial B, or allow him to fall. Doesn't he? So why does he let some fall, and some be safe?

Two: If Christ is really after a certain type of people, and not just all his children, then this life is a test. A weeding out system to discover who will always follow him and who wont. But if that is true, then we shouldn't be sad when someone leaves the Church. Really they are showing their true colors and putting an eternal principle into play. Some people aren't good enough to make it, and others are.

I think this is the logical conclusion to the logic we use, but I also think most people would be appalled, religious or not. I think we all like to believe that we all have the same chance to make it to heaven but, if we all "could" make it, in certain circumstances, then it is God who chooses to not take us, because he purposefully allows us to put ourselves in situations were he knows we won't make it. Then we have to say that God is not omnipotent, because the one thing he can't do is save us from ourselves. And if God, who knows all about us can't save us, then it must be because our souls are predestined to be something other than exalted, cause otherwise if there were any way to save us, God would have known what it was.

I think it's funny that we say we don't believe in predestination in the church and we succeed in this, simply by not talking about it. If anyone starts exploring the logic of what we know we just say, "That sounds too much like predestination." and we change the subject. However, we can't have it both ways. We can't say Gods hand is in all aspects of our lives, but then say all the bad things are our fault. If we end up in hell, it's cause God wanted us there, or we were destined to be there, and then, what is there to cry about? It never could have been different. All things shall be as they are supposed to be.

2009-09-07T21:06:00.001-07:00

Damn. Im sad now.

Im disappointed.

2009-09-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I had a crush. This is really nothing special mind you, because I always have at least one. And its not like I go around imagining that I am going to be perfect for this person and that he is going to be perfect for me and that maybe we could go see a movie and my hand would brush against his. Maybe I would then pull mine away and apologize, and then maybe it would be awkward for a second. And then maybe he would reach his hand over and lightly touch mine...

It's not like I imagine like this.

So I do a terrible number on myself. I meet a guy I like and slowly convince myself that he maybe, just maybe, might be gay. I look for evidence and even though I try not too, I eventually get excited and hopeful and then, when I finally get the conclusive evidence that he's straight, even though there was never anything there, I feel like Ive lost a friend. I feel like something I had died. Even though I never really had anything.

They're always straight too. Even if they're in theater, or they're on the ballroom team, or if they dress well, they are always straight. And then I can't even hate them or dismiss them. They didn't do anything to me. They didn't even know I was there.

Don't you want somebody to love?

2009-08-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

I recently had a friend come to town to visit and he talked a lot about how "in love" he is. I don't mean the quotation marks to be cynical, just accurate, because I really am happy for him. Some people would be cynical and say things like, "It won't last." or "He's just horny." I find this attitude disgusting. Loving relationships are so rare in this world and when two people manage to find a little bit of it with each-other, I think we should all be very careful before we just dismiss it. Who do we think we are anyway to judge something so complicated as another persons intentions and feelings when we all know full well that we can barely figure our own out most of the time? Or do we arrogantly forget our own seemingly stupid choices that we are sure to be making simultaneous to those we would be so quick to judge? Anyway, Im happy for him and Im really not jealous in a resentment kind of way, but Im definitely sad in a longing kind of way.

I also have two really good friends that are in love. They are great for each other and don't ever get sick of staring at one another and talking to one another and just being together. I went with them both tonight to a wonderful movie that had a beautiful scene where two young lovers were eating lunch. It was a simple scene, but, in the movie, they just stared at each other and talked to each other and that was enough for both of them.

Now to say that I want that is kinda stupid, cause doesn't everybody? I mean, it's kinda a given right? But if you want to win the lottery you have to buy a ticket right? So if I want true love I gotta put myself out there. The problem, of coarse, starts with me being gay.

The other night I came out to a straight friend whom I had a bit of a crush on when we first met. I did because he asked me if I was gay very sincerely and I wasn't gonna lie to him. He was really cool about it and I went away feeling really good about the whole thing. Like I'd had an excellent healthy bonding experience with a straight guy and that maybe it would help me on my way to finding my place somewhere. Even if that place was along a heterosexual path. Maybe I could become friends with straight guys, go dating girls, possibly Id enjoy it? I mean, don't knock it till you try it right? But the more time that has passed has left me pretty sure that the excitement I had was simply the result of having a close, intimate experience with someone who I would like to be close and intimate with. And Im not talking about sex. I haven't had a lot of sex but Im already pretty sick of it actually. No, I want intimacy that means caring about someone. I have friends that have it, even if it's momentary, delicate, and will probably fall apart as soon as a strong wind comes along. The problem with loving someone in secret is that its selfish I think. Your real love is your image and what people think about you, and if that image is going to be threatened, the other persons feelings become expendable. I worry about people I love being hurt in their dangerous game. I worry that my friend who just visited is trying to do the impossible. I worry that its only a matter of time before my friends hurt each other with their actual lack of commitment. But at the same time I envy them for every tiny bit of love they experience. Every touch, look, smell, song, movie, and moment they get to share at least thinking that someone cares about them and longs for them to be around. I consider it so precious that I hope inside that they can have every bit they can get and I would hurt anyone that would try to take it away from them. I may be irrational, but who can blame me really. Anyone who can pretend to be rational can only do it cause they are removed from the situation. It's easy to suffer through other peoples problems, but not so easy when it's real. For that reason, I am careful about what I think or do about other peoples choices. But I do care, I do worry, and I do hope for the best for me and all those I love, but sometimes fail to understand.

I'd like to find myself again.

2009-08-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a lot more normal then I have been imagining. I've gotten so caught up in being depressed and being gay and feeling like everything is terrible. Sure I get depressed, but I guess what Im trying to say is, I don't think I get any more depressed then anyone else my age. I mean seriously, with questions of career and school, employment, money, loans, hopes for success and love and the bitter feelings that ones life may just end up being normal. I think everyone at my age gets depressed about these things some times. But I have been so wrapped up in worrying about these things that everything has become bland and I have grown apathetic. I feel like my mind is slower than it used to be and I feel like Im tired all the time. I wish I could find myself again.

I used to be a four point student. And the funny things is I did it totally by accident. I never checked my grades once and then, at the end of the year, "Surprise, your smart!" Now, I just failed a class last semester. And its not because the classes are getting harder. Its cause I don't care about things and I avoid anything that causes me stress. I wish I could get back to caring about grades.

I used to be really funny. I made people laugh non stop and sometimes my wit was so quick that I could blow my own mind. People told me all the time that I was the funniest person they knew and I did it really, cause I enjoyed making people happy. I enjoyed people being happy around me. Now Im just along for the ride. Im more like a lump then a contributor to a conversation. My mind doesn't work the way it used to so even when I want to be funny, it doesn't happen anymore. I wish I could get back to that.

I used to be an awesome performer and artist. I was always the one of the best in my class. Now I get turned down even before call backs. Maybe I never was as good as I hoped I was. Maybe I was never as good at any of these things as I hoped I was.

Well why can't I be then? I mean. I may not be amazing as I am right now, but don't we all desire to be amazing in some way? I know that I can learn, and that I can get better, so why not set some goals and get some of my old self back? I don't like talking like this, cause if someone sees and I don't do it, Im afraid Im only highlighting my failure, but what the hay! Im at failure status right now. I just hope I can get excited enough about change that I'll make it happen. Then I could go back to being someone I was proud of, and not just someone who I pity.

I worry.

2009-07-29T02:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry. Well, really I am always worrying, but I do have a big fear that people really don't view me the way I think they do. I am always afraid that the people I think love and respect me, actually resent me or think I am foolish. I worry that, when someone I know makes an off handed remark it really represents an inner truth about how they feel, and how I annoy them. I worry that when I try to say nice things or sincere things people are really just creeped out or annoyed. I worry that I am not respected and that I'm thought of as being stupid or irrational to the point that nobody takes me seriously. I am worried about my family hating me when or if they find out about me being gay. I am worried about me hating myself if I choose to live a gay lifestyle. Im worried about never having kids. Im worried about messing up my life with whatever choice I make. Im worried that my life is already a mess where all my loved ones humor me cause they feel sorry for me and I can make the occasional joke, but they don't respect me. Im worried that a majority of the time when I think people are looking on me with affection and love, they are really looking on e with annoyance and pity. I am worried that I have nothing, and the few things I think I have, are illusions. I feel like I wish everything was over, but really I probably just need a good night sleep.

Im worried that anyone reading this will think, "Normal Aaron. He's so over dramatic and stupid. He'll realize how stupid he was in the morning." It kills me to know that is how the people I love think of me.

I think if someone loved someone it would bother them if their loved one was upset. Is that incorrect? Wouldn't they try to help the person feel better? Wouldn't they care if they hurt them? Am I correct, or do I expect too much? Is it my responsibility alone to be happy, and if I can't pull it off then people have the right to avoid me or resent me for being a downer, or immature? Is it unfair of me to expect those that love me to care about my feelings, or are they really just my problem? It's possible that they are, and that I'm the kind of friend that drives people away. Im needy. Maybe everybody has the right to resent me, and drop little comments that are passed off as innocent. Maybe I am unlovable.

I guess the only one that can change that is me, but at the moment, I'd rather just everything be over. I want to just quit.

Three Cheers for Calvin and Jack-Jack

2009-03-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

So two blogs ago, my first one, I mentioned two friends that I was feeling kind of isolated from. But I have to take a moment now and talk about how awesome the two of them are.

I recently went through a really tough phase and Calvin and Jack-Jack came through for me in a big way. I really can't say enough how I appreciate the two of them and how kind they have been. I couldn't ask for better friends really. Now, right now I sound like a girls camp testimony meeting. "And I know my friendships are true." But, seriously, you try being friends with me for any large period of time and well see how you do! Both of them have been patient and loving. Sure they get tired of me. I get tired of them sometimes too. Sometimes I think Calvin can be totally impossible, and sometimes they can say one wrong thing and they have to deal with me irrationally flying off the handle and hating them. So its a give and take. :) Anyway, none of us are perfect, but that makes it even better that we try. I love em and I hope they know it.

I Love Movies

2009-03-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

So I am a film major and I just watched the movie "The Chum-scrubber" and absolutely loved it. It has caused me to have a strong desire to re do my "TOP TEN FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME" list. So here goes, in no particular order...

1. Empire of the Sun

2. Clue

3. Billy Elliot

4. The Chum-scrubber

5. Waiting for Guffman

6. Twelve Angry Men (1957)

7. Rope

8. Alien

9. Casablanca

10. Crash

If you haven't seen one of them, check it out! They are pretty awesome. They are at least my current top ten. It may change any time.

Sometimes Things Just Suck

2009-03-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

I don't think anyone even knows this blog exists so I don't know why I'm writing on it, except that I need to do something and cutting is not a reasonable option. I've done it before, and I feel like doing it now, but I went and read articles about it and it say's that most people who do it are teenagers, and since my inability to grow up is one of the things that bothers me, I think cutting would actually only make me feel even more useless. And it's hard to cover up the cuts, and that could be awkward to say the least. I don't have a cat so I don't know what I'd blame it on.

I wrote a screenplay a few months ago about a guy who is about to take a bunch of pills, but then gets talked out of it by Death. The actual character in the black cloak. Death convinces him that there is reason to live because he doesn't know the good times that are ahead. It's a conversation that I have had with myself on numerous occasions. It has been what I've told myself a few times when I've really been dwelling on it. But it doesn't seem to worthwhile tonight. I feel some of the old pain coming on and I have to say, I'd almost rather be dead, I would almost willingly give up all the possible good times, to not have to deal with another bad time like my bad times. It sucks so bad. And I don't even really have anything to be that upset about. I have all my needs. I go to a great school. I have a family who loves me. Admittedly I am gay and I'm a mormon, and that means I have to decide between the two things that I want most. And either choice, giving up the church, or giving up my hopes and dreams, both seem totally unbearable. And since my options seem totally unbearable, why should I bother to bear them. It will be hell, and I'd rather have nothing then hell. Ironically, if I kill myself, I may end up in hell. (Te he)

The problem is that I have nobody to talk to. My two closest friends have kinda dropped out on me. I can't say that I blame them. I'm not a lot of fun to be around and I'm often moody and easily offended. I'm kinda high maintenance. Also, they are a little bit infatuated with each other so I can hardly compete. This is even further painful because I used to be somewhat "involved" with one of them, and so I see them giving each other the time and consideration that I always wanted from him, but he didn't give.

Not that he's a bad guy. He's probably one of the best friends I have ever had. Admittedly, he is very prideful and he rarely makes any kind of adjustment for my feelings. He seems to resent me when I ask for signs of acceptance or love, and takes joy in refusing them, which I can't understand, and is very hurtful. But he has also put up with me when I've been very, very sick, and how many friends would do that?

But at the same time, I think they are sick of me. So I can't talk to them for fear of alienating them. But, without anyone to talk to, I just feel worse and worse and closer and closer to doing something serious. I can't go to them, because they are tired, and nine out of ten times, when I hang out with them they are hard on me, or judgmental of my behavior. When I am around them now, I feel like they are waiting for me to leave, so they can enjoy themselves.

They are all I have though. I don't have any other close friends. People that care about me. I've been trying for weeks to find new friends so I wouldn't have to be dependent on people that seem to be annoyed by me, but I've had zero success. No one seems interested. That just leaves me wondering what's wrong with me.

well anyway, I feel more like killing myself then I have in a long time. Im feeling alone, disliked, I am way behind in school, I am under pressure from my Bishop who says he won't renew my endorsement, if I won't change some things in my life, that I don't feel capable of changing. Death just seems so easy, nice, and peaceful. Admittedly, I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to feel like killing myself either, and it's only a matter of time before that desire becomes more than my desire to live. And I don't know if there is anything anyone can do to help me.