LUCKY BASTARD

Okay, so here is the deal. I'm not ugly!

I mean, I don't think I'm Brad Pitt or anything. I realize I'm not what you would call "hot", but I'm not ugly. I tell myself I am ugly a lot and I tell myself that I must be awkward and that I must be weird and that no one will ever want me because I am obviously defective and I always say the wrong things blah blah blah. But the truth is I don't believe it. If I really thought I was ugly and unloveable, I wouldn't have the nerve to act so surprised that no one was loving me.

If I am really honest with myself I basically like myself. I mean, (when I am healthy, REAL me) I have a great sense of humor and a versatile wit. I am friendly, warm, kind, courteous and any other number of synonyms. I am also a really talented actor and artist and a semi talented writer who is slowly getting better. (Hopefully) I am one of the most sensitive and thoughtful people I know, and I am always worried about making others comfortable and putting their feelings first. I am intelligent and well read. I love film and love working in film. I have any number of interests. I am the kind of guy I would like to be friends with.

I'll admit that I don't find myself attractive physically... I'm defiantly not a narcissist. I wouldn't look at me and go, "Oh he's hot," because I'm not. I could pull off handsome sometimes I think. And I exercise like a fiend now that I don't have much going on so I guess the "hot" factor is increasing a little. But even if I eventually get a hard, taught body I will still only be a moderately attractive guy with a hot body. Ha ha. I suppose I have some chance of pulling of "cute", but that's only if I find someone who has a thing for tall, skinny, nerdy guys.

What got me thinking tho was this: I recently developed a crush on someone and I thought about them a bunch, but did not really pursue them with any effort. I was finding this person very attractive physically and kept telling myself that I would never be able to date someone so hot. But, then I found out he has a boyfriend and I saw pictures of the boyfriend and he's not at all attractive! And it has totally thrown my perspective around.

Now obviously, the person I want to be with eventually will have to find me attractive. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, obviously, but I am not so unattractive that no one will ever desire me. It just hasn't happened yet. But I am sure it will, and when it does they are going to find out that I am a talented, fun, smart, sensitive guy who is adventurous, interesting, and incredibly loyal.. and apparently really fun in bed... or so I have been told on several occasions.

So some mystery man out there really is going to be a lucky bastard.