Well Damn

Darn it. I'm depressed again. I've actually gone a really long time now where I was doing pretty good. I suppose I have been comfortable and that usually makes me happy. But now I am moving home to Montana and all my old worries and concerns are stacking up again and I am seriously getting all suicidal and wishing I was dead again. I'm not going to kill myself, I always have to specify that, but I want to be dead. I just don't want to do this again. I hate it when I know this is coming.

I don't know how to live with some of the truths in my life. I don't know how to live with being alone, not being wanted. I don't know how to deal with not being desirable to the people I love. I don't know how to deal with not knowing what I want to do with myself, or not having the desire to do anything but die.

Meanwhile I am getting uglier and older every day, I waste money and time trying to get in shape when it doesn't really work and , even if I was fit, I would still be ugly, just fit and ugly.

I got a bad haircut today and now I don't even want to come out of my room. I was excited to hang out with some people before I left but now I just want to stay in my room. I'm so gross and horrible and now that I am aware it's just so embarrassing. I can't handle it knowing people think I'm gross.

The thing is that, people tell me I'm not ugly and they tell me that I shouldn't feel this way, but it makes no difference. I have never had someone I was attracted to be attracted to me. I have never had a boyfriend, I have never had a loving relationship. And the people that tell me I am not ugly, also don't want anything to do with me. So it's hard to believe.

The truth is I have had opportunities to date some cool guys. But I was either not attracted to them or sure that we weren't compatible. They would be better off with other people. I kind of blew it with one or two of them because I was too scared.

Now I am going back to Montana and there will be absolutely no chance that I will meet someone and that is incredibly depressing. But so is being here and there still being no possibility of meeting someone because I am either too ugly or too weird. But still I hope that some day someone will love me and think I'm worthwhile.

But that is the worst pain. I allow myself to think things. I think, "Maybe I'm not totally ugly." "Maybe it's possible that someone might think my personality is attractive." "Maybe so and so could like me."

But then it's never true. It always ends up being the complete opposite and it destroys me. Then I just want to die cause I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I'm never going to be accepted where I want to be, desired where I want to be, or loved where I want to be.

I know there are other people in the world with much worse problems. Sometimes I just need to vent. I have no one to talk to really. My friends have heard it all before and they are sick of it. I don't want to drive them further away. And I can't tell my parents I'm sad that I can't find a man because they don't want me too. Anyway, in the end it doesn't help. No one can convince me that things are different. Maybe someday if I manage to find someone, then I will feel different, but the more depressed I get the more crazy and weird I get and the less self esteem I have and the less likely it is anyone will want me. I really am stuck in a trap and no one can tell me what to do to break it. I really am destined to fail and fail worse and worse and I beg for help, but no one can help me. I pray to God for help, even though I don't believe in him. I've been asking him to kill me for years, but he obviously hasn't yet. Just like every other request he never answered.

If Only

So I have a bit of a problem. Women love me. Of course, If I wasn't gay this would be great and I'm sure I would have been married forever ago. Even right now, I am in a play and there are at least two girls that are seriously vying for my attention. One has told me she has a crush on me and the other has told me she would marry me. And it's always been like that. As far as the girls are concerned I am a serious catch. Too bad I am gay.

I don't want to tell them because I can just imagine it being a big disappointment for them and, I also like the fact that they like me, and it would hurt for their looks of love to change to looks of disgust. There is also a big part of me that just hates advancing a stereotype and I don't want to be just another gay theater boy. But I tell you, it's times like these that really make me think that it would have been nice to be straight. There is definitely something about meeting a nice girl, getting married, and having a family that is very tempting. And so many of the girls I know are really so cool. If I was straight I would so marry one of them. We would have a blast.

I guess it seems so nice because I have never had a problem with girls wanting me, but have yet to have a relationship with a guy. I don't show up on the radar of gay guys for some reason. And the ones that do try to contact me (rarely) are the kind of people that I often am not attracted to physically and personality wise. Now I'm not whining here, nor am I depressed or something. I am sure there is someone out there for me. I just need to find them. And in the mean time, worrying about it won't make them appear any faster.

Still, it gets discouraging as I continue to play ignorant to the ladies charms around me. I don't know what else to do but be nice and courteous, but never give them any signals back. Meanwhile I wonder how I could give signals to all the guys that I would like to get to know better... but I've never been good at signals, and guys aren't traditionally good at reading them. :)

I would just speak up, but that is scary.