I haven't got depressed in a while but tonight I feel like I want to scream. I'm so frustrated and coming home I could almost drive my car into a wall. I want to cut, but I don't really have anything to do it with and it's obviously not the best solution, so instead I am writing this. I am aware I am whining and if you don't like that then Don't read the fucking post! I'm doing this for my sanity.
I hate being gay. Well... that's a complicated concern actually. The truth is I enjoy being gay. I prefer it to being straight. I like the idea of it I guess. But the whole actuality of living it is impossible. It just doesn't work. I can't make anything work.
I have a life that I would like to be living in my head. I don't even think it's that delusional. It's pretty feasible really. I don't want to be a rock star or anything. I just want to be a happy gay man. Is that so improbable?
BUT NOTHING WORKS!!! I can't make friends because the people who I want to be friends with don't want anything to do with me. I try all the time. I am constantly actively pursuing friendships, but nobody wants me. I see other people that I love and respect having close intimate interactions with each other, and I don't do anything like that. Nobody wants to. Well, nobody that I want to does. I guess there are a few people that would but I don't want anything to do with them.
I just want to be desired, and I just want to know what I am doing wrong! I'm open to suggestion, I JUST WANT TO KNOW! Am I ugly? Am I boring to people? Are they intimidated by me because they think I am smart, or stupid, or righteous, or a pervert? Do people think I'm lame or do they not think about me at all. I'm so desperate to know. Were talking tears, clinch my fists and scream desperate.
When I first started coming out it was the best thing in the world because for the first time in my life I felt like I was really connecting with people, but now it's all gone and the gay community leaves me hating myself and feeling insecure and scared. I see happy, beautiful, social people every which way I look, and none of them see me. Admittedly I have never gotten along with my peers very well, but I guess I hoped that the gay community would be different. I just got so much hope up, and it sucks hard to be wrong. And it hurts like a barbed wire wand up my.... nose.
In the end it has to just be something wrong with me and that makes me the most depressed because that leaves me just feeling defective. The gay world would get along fine without me. I thought I was entering a brotherhood really I think, but it doesn't want me.
Comments are welcomed. I need help with my sanity.
4 comments:
You are not alone. Being gay is hard. Here are some lessons I learned.
Never let yourself fall for someone who hates his parents. Until they've made peace with their parents, they will not have the space to love you.
Sad as it is to say, it is important to be fit. Men are prisoners of their genetics, and you can't change that.
One of the easiest ways to turn an aquaintance into a friend is to ask them for help. Choose something simple, something practical that can be accomplished in a day, where they can be a hero. Guys like to be heroes.
Lastly, it is too easy to say that gay culture is shallow or immoral or sad. Remember, we built it, so we can fix it.
Hey man, good to hear from you. I don't know that I have any answers, but you're not the only one that feels that way. You pretty much wrote exactly what I feel alot of the time. People pretty much suck :)
Sometimes I find that depression is like a shadow, its always just there following you waiting for a chance to get bigger.
I think most people deal with the same feelings and desires you write about. Everyone wants to feel happy and have true friends.
Don't give in to the darkness, get up and do something to take your mind off of it and put our self out there and make new friends.
Where are you with the church?
Where are you with your family?
Your career path?
Is this about a spiritual depression?
Or just a need to feel the bones of another human?
Is this about SSA or about society/people in general?
I retreat to the wilderness!!
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